Online dating, freshly de-stigmatized in our digital era, is not only for the young. In fact, the largest, most trafficked dating site for seniors, seniorpeoplemeet.com (which boasts more than one million new subscribers every year), has splintered off into another equally successful sub-genre. Babyboomerpeoplemeet.com (which takes liberties with the conventional age range of the Baby Boomer generation) is open for online romance-connecting for single adults over the age of 40.
Match.com, eHarmony, OKCupid, Facebook, Zoosk, Yahoo Personals, FriendFinder … and many more are not exactly going broke. There’s a lot to choose from.
Because we humans are looking to technology to help us connect in many ways, the numerous online dating sites designed for segmented audiences are not solely for romance. Most offer to help individuals make connections of the friends or pen pals variety, in addition to serving a wide range of clients ranging from men and women just looking for dates, to those engineering the locomotive down the marriage track. That’s a lot of options.
With options come decisions and for some, barriers:
- What do I want?
- What am I willing to put out there?
- Is online dating safe?
- Will I be stigmatized?
- What will my friends/kids/family/co-workers think?
- Is it worth it?
- Am I technologically savvy enough?
- Can I trust someone I meet online?
Marcia Wall, a 73-year-old licensed marriage and family therapist, believes modern dating shouldn’t be that complicated. Wall believes we tend to overthink everything.
“It’s the same thing as dating without technology. If my ex was annoying or nasty, I wouldn’t frequent the places I knew he’d be. If I didn’t care at all, I’d probably keep him as a friend, at a distance. If he was an excessive Facebook poster, I’d unfriend him or hide his posts.” She added, “When it’s over, it’s over. Move on. My best advice would be to get out there and date as many men as possible. Why bother ruminating, life is short.”
“Maybe we could put up a wall between the houses and the highway and you could go your way and I could go my way.” — Fuel, Ani Difranco
Getting over a break-up
The power of positive thinking rocks when genuine … and sucks when manufactured. Sometimes you have to sit in your shit long enough to absorb and observe an emotion until you can move on. Motivation is one thing; inspiration is another. Motivation feels like something you should do instead of something you want to do. Inspiration is a calling, not a push.
Break-ups suck. It’s okay to feel shitty. Often, you wonder if you had done something differently it might have changed the outcome. But are you unintentionally, and more importantly unconsciously, prolonging your misery?
Saturating your psyche with destructive, negative or painful thoughts is a far cry from pretending everything is all rainbows and lollipops. Is such torment necessary? If not, it’s time to be inspired; time to open yourself up to new possibilities. Online dating, or perhaps just enhanced social networking, may be a positive way to be inspired to move on from a potentially destructive personal situation.
Beware the new social
Like rubbernecking at a terrible car accident, social networking is the modern-day Roman Coliseum. We gaze and gawk from afar, from our protected little internet womb. Gen X and Gen Y are particularly adept at trolling online dating, online personals and the major social media sites and delivering their drive-by, anonymous shots. Of course, with time, Baby Boomers are watching and learning how online personas can deviate so drastically from real-world, in-person interactions.
Whether horrified, amused or just plain killing time, this behavior, like an addiction, is often momentarily satisfying but detrimental to long-term happiness. Like chocolate cake, a bite or two here and there might be delicious. Gorge yourself and you will feel sick to your stomach and full of regret. “Ha, look at that loser, so glad I’m not dating him.” Or “Look, they’re tagged in a photo together, I knew he was cheating!” It’s important to note our perception defines much of our contentment or discontentment, and is often wrong.
Clearly, it’s different now for exes. Before Facebook, Vine, Instagram, texting, selfies and more were available on everyone’s personal phones, when a relationship ended, it ended. A stalker — ex or otherwise — had to work harder to monitor or harass a person. Now, the effort to just hit a couple clicks to see that person or mess with that person is often too great of a temptation.
If cyber-stalking becomes a compulsion, your emotional intelligence and maturity may be stunted — and can even regress. Comparing our lives to glamorized, Photoshopped realities is nonsensical. But maybe the reality is just the reality: it’s time to be inspired, or at least motivated. If your ex has moved on and you have not, does it really serve your highest good to be constantly monitoring, stalking and obsessing?
Hell, no.
Online or offline: love yourself first
Boundaries are boundaries. It takes discipline. No one can prevent you from living a miserable real, in-the-flesh reality but you.
Yeah. Bounce him. Disconnect and reengage. What helps you maintain your balance? A good read? Coffee with an elderly neighbor? Mimosa brunch with friends? A walk on the beach?
Find it.
Living in the moment and self-care have their perks. Mental health is a big one.
For more insights into the realities of online romance, read Romance and the dangers of social media on Psychology Today.
Miles Carroll is a psychology, music and life major based in Santa Barbara, California. Visit her on Facebook or at RootedGrass.com.
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